Home

My last post was on what I call today home. Since, I received an e-mail from a friend who spent some of his holidays home and he wrote me how wonderful has been to be home. Of course his home is near the Mediterranean Sea.

And I felt really, really bad, I was envious of him enjoying his home place. I had to accept that home, with a big H is where one comes from.
For me, I realize this just now, 87 Strada Icoanei, will always be Home and when I accept it I will be able to carry it with me wherever I go. What I will build myself later on will be a Home for my children and for my family.

I know that I tell everybody that I am independent and that I do not mind being on my own and it is true. It does not mean that I prefer to be on my own.

Today Monica got the UK residency and we cried, the four of us, over the phone. We were happy and we were heart broken. We are alive.

What I would like for Monica is that she starts building a Home with her lover and for the future.

I hope that for many more years I will have the chance, for Monica and Cristina, to be very happy and very heart broken. Because I am alive.

Ma maison

Here I am in my new home, pleased to have a place of my own that I can share with my family and friends.

You can't see the square of sky I mention.You will have to come to visit me and you will see it.

Since Monica took the photo some birds, toucans, made their nests around my windows (Frédérique brought them from the Brussels’ woods).

I like my new apartment though I am not happy. It will take some more time until I will be able to be happy again. I mean happy the way I used to be when I planned a surprise for Mom.

But this is probably all about growing up: learning to be happy differently.

Anyway, my friends, you know that you are welcome to visit me and that my square of sky has now a roof.

Bonjour tristesse !

On 16th of December, when I was flying to Bucharest my heart broken as my Mom just died several hours ago, I asked God how can I cry with the same tears for almost nothing and for losing my mom.

I felt my tears where so trivial and I tried to swallow them. I couldn't and I know now that I was lucky because sharing these tears with the one we love (lots of them and so much alive and present) is the only thing that can sooth the pain.

I know I will carry the pain for as long as I live and I know that I can live with it.

What I find hard to live with and I will have to deal with as soon as possible is my anger. My anger not because Mom passed away but my anger that she got sick in the first place. This anger made me selfish and inconsiderate with my sisters. I didn’t know it at that moment but I know it now. And it is painful.

The problem is that I need logic and explications and I find so hard to accept situations that I am not happy with even if I can’t do anything to change them. But these are just reasons and not excuses. I do not think it is about being excused, it just about understanding what happened.