On 16th of December, when I was flying to Bucharest my heart broken as my Mom just died several hours ago, I asked God how can I cry with the same tears for almost nothing and for losing my mom.
I felt my tears where so trivial and I tried to swallow them. I couldn't and I know now that I was lucky because sharing these tears with the one we love (lots of them and so much alive and present) is the only thing that can sooth the pain.
I know I will carry the pain for as long as I live and I know that I can live with it.
What I find hard to live with and I will have to deal with as soon as possible is my anger. My anger not because Mom passed away but my anger that she got sick in the first place. This anger made me selfish and inconsiderate with my sisters. I didn’t know it at that moment but I know it now. And it is painful.
The problem is that I need logic and explications and I find so hard to accept situations that I am not happy with even if I can’t do anything to change them. But these are just reasons and not excuses. I do not think it is about being excused, it just about understanding what happened.
I felt my tears where so trivial and I tried to swallow them. I couldn't and I know now that I was lucky because sharing these tears with the one we love (lots of them and so much alive and present) is the only thing that can sooth the pain.
I know I will carry the pain for as long as I live and I know that I can live with it.
What I find hard to live with and I will have to deal with as soon as possible is my anger. My anger not because Mom passed away but my anger that she got sick in the first place. This anger made me selfish and inconsiderate with my sisters. I didn’t know it at that moment but I know it now. And it is painful.
The problem is that I need logic and explications and I find so hard to accept situations that I am not happy with even if I can’t do anything to change them. But these are just reasons and not excuses. I do not think it is about being excused, it just about understanding what happened.
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