Ma maison

Here I am in my new home, pleased to have a place of my own that I can share with my family and friends.

You can't see the square of sky I mention.You will have to come to visit me and you will see it.

Since Monica took the photo some birds, toucans, made their nests around my windows (Frédérique brought them from the Brussels’ woods).

I like my new apartment though I am not happy. It will take some more time until I will be able to be happy again. I mean happy the way I used to be when I planned a surprise for Mom.

But this is probably all about growing up: learning to be happy differently.

Anyway, my friends, you know that you are welcome to visit me and that my square of sky has now a roof.

Bonjour tristesse !

On 16th of December, when I was flying to Bucharest my heart broken as my Mom just died several hours ago, I asked God how can I cry with the same tears for almost nothing and for losing my mom.

I felt my tears where so trivial and I tried to swallow them. I couldn't and I know now that I was lucky because sharing these tears with the one we love (lots of them and so much alive and present) is the only thing that can sooth the pain.

I know I will carry the pain for as long as I live and I know that I can live with it.

What I find hard to live with and I will have to deal with as soon as possible is my anger. My anger not because Mom passed away but my anger that she got sick in the first place. This anger made me selfish and inconsiderate with my sisters. I didn’t know it at that moment but I know it now. And it is painful.

The problem is that I need logic and explications and I find so hard to accept situations that I am not happy with even if I can’t do anything to change them. But these are just reasons and not excuses. I do not think it is about being excused, it just about understanding what happened.

The place where part of my familly story started

Here I am in Hamburg with my friend. She knows everything about this city and she introduced me to it with love and nostalgia. I loved it. I was scared a little bit because I heard (from Monica mainly) not really nice recalls of Hamburg.

But maybe it is because she did not see it with a friend or through the eyes of a friend. Here some photos and the story of my father's family.

One of them left Hamburg at the beginning at the century with some horses and travelled east towards Crimea. In his way back he stopped in Krakow and was charmed by a beautiful, wonderful Polish girl, married her and moved to Bucharest. (Is it just a proof of a culture of mobility encouraged at the beginning of the century, or something was chasing them out of Krakow, do not know). Here my grandfather was born.
Here are the photos and I will just shut up.

Love

This is a post I start to write in August .

Not like in "I am in love" 'cause I am not or I might be falling or maybe not. Or maybe yes. How can one know it? Anyway I just mentioned that I am not talking about this subject but other kinds of love or...

... of why is love so important. Why it hurts so much when someone you love dearly suffers, a friend, or your familly. You try to understand things. Why? How?

However what I learned yesterday was that I just have to love them. I spent all night wondering what to do and in the morning when the pain was really hard and I saw my friend, I knew it. That all I have to do is to tell her I love her and that things will work out.

It hurts when you, my dearest friends, are away or far or estranged and I feel furious when I do something wrong or plain stupid.

But when you feel that I let you down, or disappoint or hurt you please tell me because I never do it on purpose and do love you very very much.